Tuesday, November 24, 2015

How I gave away $250

This past week has been filled with an incredible amount of stress. It was the first week on my HMR program that there wasn't a known challenge going into the week. I was very relieved about that at the start of my diet week on Monday, but the worst type of challenge confronted me every single day of the week. 

Monday, November 16th

Today was my third weigh-in and for the second week in a row, I lost 1.8 pounds. The total was 9.6 which is way better than I would have done in another program and more than I would have done if I wasn't going to the clinic each week. I know that I would have had some little cheats if I didn't weigh in at the clinic each week. My accountability to myself is very different that to the clinic. On one had the  almost two pound loss was good, but on another hand it wasn't. 

One of the topics discussed in class was a study on a number of people on the program. People who remained "in the box" and had all their prescription amounts for 7 days lost 2-3 pounds consistently each week. Those that followed the program "in the box" 5-6 days lost 1-2 pounds average per week and those that followed it 4 or less days averaged about .77 pounds a week. As I was sitting there listening to this survey, I couldn't help but wonder if anyone thinks that I'm not staying in the box and not following the program when in fact I am. I  began to wonder if there's a medical reason that I'm not in the averages of 2-3 pounds. I've been handling my challenges quite well, for me. 

Knowing at this point that I had no known challenges for the week, I was all set mentally for a really good week staying on program and hopefully having a good loss for the next weigh in. 

Here's where my week started to go awry... I received a letter from Medicaid stating that more information was needed to complete Bethany's application. There was no time to call when I got home from afternoon runs so I would call on Tuesday. 

Tuesday, November 17th

On Tuesday, I woke with a massive headache thinking and worrying about the call to Medicaid. My headache was so severe that I was unable to walk or workout. I felt disappointed, but there was nothing I could do. Advil wasn't cutting the headache. 

Mike worked from home and I was unable to use the home phone to make the call to Medicaid. My cell phone doesn't get very good reception in the basement where my home office is containing all of my paperwork. Tuesday was out for the phone call. This was almost okay since my headache permeated my entire day.  

A not so funny thing happened at work today. One of my coworkers asked to borrow $250 from me with the promise to pay it back on Friday. This gave me a bit of a chuckle because his wife also works at the bus company. The two of them have borrowed money from other coworkers and almost everyone there knows that they are very bad about paying the money back. It took them over a month to return $5 to a fellow sped driver last year. He was only kidding himself if he thought I'd loan him $5, but to ask for $250! That was ridiculous on many levels. If he thought that I was going to loan him money from the lottery pool that I run, he was sorely mistaken. That is not my money. I hold it to give out to the winners. By the end of the day, I did manage to have a laugh about this. I also told some of the newer drivers not to loan this couple any money that they didn't want to just throw away. 

Wednesday, November 18th

Once again, I woke with a severe headache and was unable to work out. I had more things to worry about than whether or not I was going to get my minimum physical activity requirements for the week. 

Even though Mike was working from home once again, I managed to call Medicaid in between Mike's business calls. The woman I spoke to was very nice and very helpful, but they needed Bethany's permission to speak with me even though a copy of the guardianship papers were provided in her application packet. I was instructed to fill out form 778, Authorized Representative, and fax it to the Nashua office. THEN, it took two days for the proper place to receive and file it. I could have/ should have filled it out and forged her signature, but I was afraid that she would have to sign something in the future and the signatures would be very different. I could easily forge Mike's signature, but not Bethany's. I also could have called back as her, but if anyone really read her paperwork, they would know right away that it was not her calling. Again, I didn't want to jeopardize the application. 

It occurred to me that the one year anniversary of Bethany's guardianship was some time mid to late November. I pulled out the court documents to find that the Annual Review forms were due in court by November 19th. Well.... That was the next day! If they weren't filed by that date, we may have to go before the court again and/or pay a fine or fee to have the guardianship continued. I thought I was supposed to receive something from the court one month in advance of the deadline, but I had received nothing. I read through the documents to find the website for the forms. I found the one for Annual Review, printed it, and began reading. Thankfully, the form did not have to be notarized. We both signed and and planned on going to the clerk's office in Brentwood on Thursday.  

I was informed at work that they were giving me two additional students for my elementary run in the afternoon. Very very long story short, someone was getting out of work and another drier and I were getting dumped on. I was getting the brunt because the students I had were on extreme ends of town. I couldn't help but wonder if I was getting payback for kicking the boss out of my weekly lottery game for not paying and then have her number come up the previous Friday (OOPS for her!). The rules apply to everyone, even the manager. Right?  I was smart enough to dish off two of my kids to the one guy that was losing 3-4 of his afternoon kids. The outcome for this is that now I'm done my afternoon run at least 10 minutes earlier every day when all of my kids ride the bus! This created some anxiety and stress for me for a few days. 

Throughout the day, I managed to eat 5 of the HMR bars. Normally I have only one a day, but I kept eating them. The instructors keep saying "more is better" meaning that if you feel like having something to eat, pick something more on the program rather than eating off the diet. There's been discussions in class about how the bars aren't the best choice and can also be eaten too much. I just felt like having them, so I did. They were a much better choice than something I would have typically had off of the program. 

This was an off the wall stressful day from start to finish!

Thursday, November 19th

Once again I woke with a severe headache and was unable to workout. This was beginning to stress me out, even though I was trying to not let my diet program stress me out. I was remaining on track. The worst thing I did, if you want to call it that, was to not have enough water. My food intake was right on track. 

This was going to be a crazy day. I had to attend a safety meeting at work 9:30-10:30, drive to Brentwood which was about 40 minutes away to file the guardianship papers, and fax the form to Medicaid. The question was: Could it be done and stay on track with all of the extreme pressure and stress and headache? 

At the safety meeting, they turned out the lights to watch a video. This is never a good thing for me. I had all I could do to pay attention and stay awake. Did I mention that I've been waking up at 2am each day? I got a little nudge from my friend sitting next to me!

As soon as the safety meeting was finished, I sped off home to get Mike to go with me to court. Unfortunately, while I was talking to him on the way home, something had come up at work for him and he was unable to join me on my adventure to court. I always get anxious going to this particular court because we spent too much time fighting his ex-wife there about his two girls. Thankfully, we don't have to deal with her any longer, but the court still makes me nauseous. I grabbed the papers at home and off to court I went. At the clerk's office, I asked why I didn't get anything in the mail. Her reply was that they don't send the notices out any longer. "You should know when your Annual Review is needed," I was told in a very nasty voice. WELL OKAY THEN! The papers were filed on time. Now I just needed to wait for the approval. 

I got home and went straight to my office to fax the Authorized Representative form to Nashua. Our phone line with the fax wasn't working. We couldn't make any phone calls. We rebooted the router, but the phone still didn't work. I sat there rechecking the phone lines every 2 minutes. In between, I rushed upstairs to make my lunch and then go back down to check the phone. No luck. I leave for my afternoon runs at 1:35. At 1:30, I saw that Mike was on the phone. It was back working, but he was on a business call! CRAP! I had to wait until after work. 

I got home about 3:40 and ran it to submit the fax. Once again, the phone line wasn't working. Feeling defeated, I left it for Friday morning. 

Friday, November 20th

These headaches were becoming a daily occurrence. The Medicaid office was open 8am -4pm. The best I could do was fax the forms after my morning run and hope the proper department received it by Monday. With the fax finally set, I had to relax a bit and hope for the best. The paperwork stated that if all of the requirements were not met by the following Friday, that the application would be denied and the case closed. This was completely out of my control at this point. 

I run a lottery pool at work which I have referred to. The numbers from 00 to 99 are posted on a spreadsheet at work. People can put their name on any number and pay me $2 per number per week. If your number matches the middle two numbers of the Friday night New Hampshire Pick 4, you win the whole pot. When there's no winner, the pot rolls to the next week. There was no winner on Friday the 13th so this Friday's pot was doubled. 

One of the drivers tried to give me 4 quarters instead of a dollar bill. I was so tense and upset, that I told him I wanted paper and threw it back at him. I immediately felt badly about it, but had been in such a bad mood all week long. My disposition the entire week was just miserable. 

I checked the numbers about 7:30 like I usually do and found out that I won! I was very excited! Finally something good happened to me this week. 

Monday morning, November 23rd

All weekend long I kept thinking about what I would do with my lottery winnings. I wanted to do something good with it. I looked repeatedly at the list of people who are in the lottery pool. Many of my coworkers are going through difficult times. I decided to divide the money between 5 people giving each of them $50. My criteria was that 1) they could not have previously won and 2) they were in need of some help. It was not a lot for each of them, but hopefully $50 can help a little. It felt so good to be giving to others. 

As I was driving by the bus lot with my high school students, I started to laugh when I realized that I had given away $250 which was as much money as the one guy had asked to borrow last week. He and his wife did not receive any of my generosity! It made me chuckle, sorry. 

I was nervous about my weigh-in. After 2 weeks of only losing 1.8, I was determined that if I experienced another loss of less than 2 pounds, I was going to find out if there was a medical reason why. Happily, I was down another 2.4 pounds. The class discussion was how we are all going to stay on track on Thanksgiving. I do plan to go out of my box and have some turkey, but other than that, I plan to stick to program. 

I rushed home to call Medicaid. After being on hold for close to 15 minutes, a very helpful lady was able to help me. She said that we missed an appointment on November 4th. I didn't receive any notice from them otherwise I would have been there. She offered to set up a new appointment. I was anxious about them mailing out another notice, but she was able to set up a phone interview for December 2nd. PHEW! 

Things are off to a much better start this week!

Thanks for reading today! 

Monday, November 16, 2015

Week #3 Weigh-in

This past week I've been in the box every day (having only HMR shakes & entrees on program with fruits and vegetables). There was a significant amount of stress over the school play, but I stayed on track. 

Saturday night we hosted the neighbors for game night. At my first class two weeks ago, fellow members gave me suggestions on how to handle social gatherings. I was a bit anxious throughout the day on how I was going to handle the food at the party. My plan was to make a humus with the 5 bean casserole with fat-free sour cream and have it with fresh veggies. I was questionable whether or not I was going to have any alcohol. 

In the afternoon, I had an extra shake. For dinner, I had two entrees in order to be extra full at the party. We bought a vegetable platter, cheese & crackers, and salsa and chips. We were ready. More importantly, I was ready. Each of the neighbors brought tempting looking treats. The challenge was on! I started with a wine glass filled with sparkling water. No one can ever tell if there's alcohol inside or not. 

The evening was a success on many levels. First, it was really nice to have two new couples. One couple has been in the neighborhood the longest and the other couple is the newest couple in the neighborhood. What wasn't missed were the neighbors that moved this summer. He had a severe drinking problem and she was a complete bitch. They were not missed whatsoever. Instead of dealing with his idiotic behavior and her bitching, we had a wonderful time with all of the neighbors. For once, I was able to enjoy my time and not babysit him. Enough about them. 

Mike stepped in some dog poop and got it all over the floor. Roth, the new neighbor, went home for his swifter and washed the kitchen floor. It was seriously too funny! 

I placed the veggie tray and humus on a card table next to me. The evening went fine. We stayed up until almost one in the morning. I stayed on track. PHEW! 

This morning was my third class and third weigh-in. We always start by weighing in with the nurse. I have to admit that I was completely disappointed with the scale. The first week I lost 6 pounds. Last week I lost 1.8 pounds and this week I lost 1.8 pounds again. I was hoping for more than 2 pounds this week. I had been so good for the entire week including Saturday night. 

I felt deflated as I filled out the spreadsheet on the instructors laptop. 

Once again, the topic of discussion was how we are going to handle Thanksgiving next week. It's easy for a 24 year old who has never had a weight issue to tell a class of overweight people to avoid having turkey and fixings next week. I already know that I will be having turkey and vegetables. I will be avoiding rolls, stuffing, and desserts. I will also be avoiding alcohol. That's my plan. I will be out of my box for that one day. It's all the extra stuff that I'll be avoiding. 
Thank-you for reading today

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Steam was coming out of my ears!

Bethany is in the school play again this year. She was the first student with special needs at Pinkerton Academy with a student body of over 3,000 students to be in the play when she was a freshman 5 years ago. This year, like the past 4 plays, I went to the dress rehearsal on Wednesday so that I could take pictures. 

Bethany is always excited to be a part of the yearly production and this year was no different. She did a great job in the croquet scene as the 5 of spades. Someone told me that she would be on the other side of the stage, so I sat on the opposite side in the audience to take pictures. They were wrong. This was the best angle I could get. 

Here's a video of our card! She rocked throughout the entire scene making it a bit easier to see her! 

In a subsequent scene, the trial scene, I noticed ALL of the cards were there except two - Bethany & Michaela. I began getting upset. I tried throughout the remainder of the practice not to think about it. I kept asking myself, "WHY?" I didn't want to dwell on it, but just couldn't help but wonder why the 2 of them couldn't be in this scene. The other cards were not doing anything special that Bethany and Michaela couldn't do. 
Honestly, I didn't pay attention much to the rest of the play because I sat there wondering what I was going to do and who I could ask. I felt that they were neglected, discriminated against, or however you want to spin it. They were not being treated like the rest of the cast. 

Since the dress rehearsal was held on Veteran's day, there was no school so it was held in the afternoon. I had the whole evening after practice to let this stew in my head. I tried not to think about it, but it just wouldn't go away. I stayed on program, but kept feeling like I wanted to have something that wasn't in my box. My thoughts were about how it's so easy for me to go off any diet program while I'm stressing about my girl. Everyone has stresses in life. My life is far from normal with a special-needs daughter. Life can be moving merrily along and then something hits me from a direction that I had never imagined. It's hard to describe how your heart hurts for your child that cannot stick up for herself. I spent the night consciously staying on program and realizing (again) that part of my weight problem has been my stress from being a special-needs Mom. 

The first thoughts on Thursday morning when I awoke was how I was going to handle this. I had two choices. I could do nothing and have them in the first scene OR I could send a message to the assistant director. She started a new group text and phone app to for play updates. That seemed to be
the right place to ask. That's what I decided to do - ASK. WHY.  Here's the message I sent:

I wasn't expecting much of a response, but received nothing throughout the day. My anger about them being left out kept bugging me. 

Bethany's case manager came to my bus in the afternoon as I was waiting for my students to come out. Either the director or assistant director contacted her directly. Apparently they thought I was very angry. (you think?) By the tone of my message, I really didn't think my true anger was obviously apparent. I showed her the message and she agreed with me. They thought that the girls might get hurt pretending to push Alice. Hmm. None of the other cards even touched Alice. This confused me. They had to come up with something, right? She informed me the girls would be added to the trial scene, but not until the following night. I was okay with that. 

Throughout this latest challenge, I stayed on program, thankfully. I need to keep reminding myself to handle triggers differently than in the past. This diet program is too important to go off track.

Thanks for reading today! 

Monday, November 9, 2015

Second Week Weigh-in - Better than I thought!

For the past week on our home scale, I've stayed the same 10's and 1's digit each day. The 10ths place has been slowly going down, but the first 3 numbers to the left of the decimal position have been staying exactly the same. I was getting a bit discouraged by Sunday since I was extremely good on both of my challenges over the weekend. I had not one, but two opportunities to totally blow this diet, and yet I stayed in the box (had only shakes, meals, fruits & vegetables). I knew that my physical activity wasn't going to meet the minimum of 2000 calories. 

I  do realize that I have to stop stressing about this diet. If I keep following it faithfully and stay in the box, the weight will come off. That's what the educators keep telling me. I will probably believe this more after I'm down more than 10 pounds since I only ever lost about 10 on Weight Watchers. I'm anxiously waiting for that time to come!

Today was weigh-in day and class. I sat waiting for the nurse feeling fairly certain that I was not going to have that much of a weight loss. What was starting to worry me was that they would think that I cheated and went off the diet when the complete opposite is true. 

The moment of truth came and I was down 1.8 pounds! That's incredible! Almost 2! I was shocked. Needless to say, I think the nurse thought I was surprised because I went off program. It really doesn't matter because week #2 was good! I hit all of my goal except the exercise goal. That's one I'm going to have to work on! 

Before class began, I had the opportunity to talk to others in the class inquiring how long they've been doing the program, how much they've lost, and what difficulties they've had. The first three were all men that are on the complete medical supervision program and who have all lost an incredible amount of weight each. I volunteered that I hate men because they lose so much easier than women which made all three of them laugh! 

Our instructor was out and a replacement did the class. She was nice, but didn't seem as charismatic as our regular instructor. I had a difficult time hearing her making me think that I do need to wear my hearing aides each week so that I can hear everyone better. (OOPS!)

I have now completed two weeks and haven't minded the foods and shakes. I'm trying to vary the smoothies each day so that I don't get bored. There's an unlimited number of combinations I have yet to try. There's also a website with recipes to go with the entrees. 

The topic of discussion was how we are going to handle Thanksgiving in a few weeks. Hmm. I'm going to have to work on this. Our plans at this time are to go to Mike's brother's house. We had a great time there last year. I will have to determine if each dish is worth having. 

This week I'm preparing for our neighborhood game night on Saturday. I will prepare a vegetable platter and make 5 bean humus in order to stay in the box. 

Thanks for reading today

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Challenge #2 for the weekend

Challenge #2 for the weekend was a family baptism. My anxiety over the event was mixed. In class last week, others helped with suggestions on how they had handled parties and gathering. 

I was determined to be prepared for any situation throughout the day. In a grocery bag, I packed 2 entrees ready with plastic forks along with 2 shaker containers with dry shake mix. The cooler was packed with 5 bean dip humus and vegetables along with water for the shakes or to drink. An apple was out for the ride to Massachusetts. I was prepared. The only stress that I had was when would I be able to have one of the entrees before the luncheon after the baptism ceremony. I didn't want to eat in front of Mike's mother and aunt just in case they started talking about it at the luncheon. This is not something I want to discuss with his family. Timing was going to be a huge factor throughout the day.

I keep questioning myself as to why I don't want anyone to know or better put - I don't know why I don't want to discuss this with anyone. It keeps coming back to the failure thing and being on the verge of tears at any time. Everyone gave me such nice compliments when I had lost weight 3 years ago. I looked so much better than I had in a long time. Then, they have all seen the weight slowly pack back on. Why would anyone be encouraging  or supportive of yet another diet of mine when clearly I haven't been successful to keep off the pounds in the past. My head is in such a different place right now that's it's hard to explain. 

The baptism was very nice. After the service, people were taking pictures and talking. I casually walked out to the car and had one of my entrees. It was room temperature, but fine. Step 1 was complete. I went back into the church to socialize before we were ready to head over to the restaurant. 

Upon entering the room where we were going to have lunch, there was a table with a plate of cheese and crackers and a plate with fresh fruit. I could feel myself let out a sigh of relief. (Thank-you Artie & Kelly!) We sat with Mike's mother, aunt, brother and his wife and were separated from the rest of his family. Oh well.  

People started to get in line for food. I was somewhat prepared mentally, but still a bit nervous. The first bowl as we entered the room was a really nice looking salad. Two places down was another  big bowl of salad. I heaped the salad onto my plate from the first bowl, then put some salad dressing on. I wasn't sure if it was no-fat, low-cal, or regular. It really didn't matter because it looked like a vinaigrette. I didn't care because there was such a variety of vegetables in the two bowls that I was going to be able to have a delicious and satisfying plate. At the second bowl, I selected more non-lettuce vegetables to put on top of my salad. 

I helped fill Bethany's plate with ziti/chicken/broccoli,  ziti with sauce and chicken parm. None of these looked worth having to me at this time. If I wasn't on this program, they would probably be great. There were lots of pieces of chicken and broccoli. As Mike and I had discussed in the morning, no one was going to notice what was and wasn't on my plate. I didn't want to be criticized for taking such a huge amount of salad and no food, but since that was the only thing I was eating, I didn't let it bother me. Oh well. I wanted to have enough on my plate that I wasn't finished eating before everyone else and sitting there bored and start nibbling from Mike's plate. That has happened before. 

The next extreme challenge for me was the cake for dessert. It looked really good. I didn't want to have a plate in front of me because I didn't want even a small nibble. Mike also got the white cake which was no temptation for me to even take a bite of his. I'm not sure if he even knew what a huge favor he was doing me! Before the server asked me which flavor I wanted, my sister-in-law said she didn't want one. PHEW! I was not going to be the only one without cake and she wasn't going to be asking why I wasn't having one! I was in good company! Another huge sigh of relief for me today and another hurtle overcome! 

On the way home, we dropped off Mike's aunt in South Boston, then brought Bethany to Megan's in Brighton. The 3 older girls were taking Bethany out for her birthday dinner. Next, we dropped off his mother. As I was driving home to Derry, we discussed how our day had gone. I was proud of myself that I had stuck with my plan even though I didn't have any shakes or even the vegetables. They were there in case I needed them. Mike did well by not overloading his plate and only going up once. Other times he would have done both and eaten until he was uncomfortable. I was proud of him. I have always said that I'm more successful following any program when he is also watching what he's eating. 

Our original plan was to go out to the movie theater alone. We hardly ever get a chance to do anything without Bethany. We do not want to leave her alone at night even though she's 19. The plan changed when we got home exhausted from the day. Mike got a take-out meal from the deli at Hannaford and 2 Redbox movies. Shortly after finishing my dinner, I fell sound asleep. Fun night for us! 

Thanks for reading my blog today!

Saturday, November 7, 2015

When is it really a good time to start a diet? Something always seems to come up. Right?

I started my HMR program 2 weeks ago. Shortly after starting, I put together a spreadsheet which  has each week all the way through June. I highlighted days with known challenges for the next 7 months. 

Sound obsessive? a bit! BUT.... here's where it just might help me. The first occasion was Halloween last weekend. That wasn't too tough because Mike bought all candy that I didn't like and as soon as Trick or Treat was through, I had him put it out of eyesight, just in case. No problem was encountered. PHEW!

Next, were back to back challenges this weekend. Yesterday was Bethany's birthday. Today we have a family baptismal. 

We have been planning on taking Bethany out to a restaurant for weeks. Actually, she started planning this year's birthday after last year's birthday dinner! She loves her birthday! 

If you read my blog from a few days ago, you would have read that my challenges for this week were the topic of conversation in class. The first challenge of how to eat out on the HMR diet was stressing me out somewhat mildly throughout the week leading up to the birthday dinner. I was determined not to have a cake for her at home so that I wouldn't take even the slightest taste. I changed my mind on Thursday and bought her the tiniest cake possible at Hannaford on Thursday. I didn't want to disappoint her. 

Friday morning arrived with me somewhat relaxed with a plan in my head. Bethany picked out cinnamon swirl quick bread for breakfast. She came to my office downstairs at 3:45am all dressed and ready for her big day! We went upstairs to make her bread. As I was making it, the usual temptation to lick anything, such as a spoon or bowl, wasn't there. I kept thinking about how well I was staying in the box (meaning having only program food & shakes with fruits and vegetables) over the past two week and didn't want to blow it on something like a lick. (Big sigh of relief here!) When Mike got up, we brought her presents and the cake with 19 candles on it. I cut her a piece of cake and a piece of her cinnamon bread. I immediately put the cover back on the cake so that there was no temptation to stick a fork in it. You really don't know how hard it was in one aspect, but in  another I felt more of a relief by not pulling a fork out of the drawer. She was a happy girl and Mom was doing alright. Still no bites.

After eating my lunch, I had to make my first weekly call-in with the instructor. It's really hard to explain to anyone out loud the stress that I'm feeling over this whole diet and weight thing. If I wasn't going to the weekly meetings and having the mid-week call-ins, I could see how easy it would have been for me to have even the smallest piece of that cake in the morning. If the first temptation was resisted, it sat there calling my name as I was taking out my salad fixings for lunch. Again, that would have been the perfect opportunity to have another bite or the first bite if the morning had been successful. My mind is made up that this program is a do-or-die. Actually it's not a "die" situation, but more of an unhealthy, you could die situation

What people don't realize when they see me is how I've been trying so very unsuccessfully over the past few years to get back to where I was in the spring of 2013 and back on track to getting in even better shape and lose more weight. Instead of losing weight, I've been gradually going back up. After each unsuccessful attempt, my hopes of ever looking good have been diminishing. My self confidence and self worth as slowly dissipating. The casual outsider would not see this. 

It's hard to follow a diet program that you feel you have failed on already. If you had been unable to follow it the first or second or third or whatever time, how could this be the time that it's going to work? Without structure and discipline, it's hard to follow any program. From the outside looking in, you don't see how I've gone to the gym, how I've eaten well (most of the time), and how I've been trying for over two months to only go up and down two pounds. I'm not blaming anyone else for what I've eaten, but it's too easy to be persuaded to go off track when you're tired or when you feel what the heck I'm not doing well anyways or I'll start being good on Monday.  

I probably sounded like a complete compulsive nut to the instructor. Please, don't tell me that I have to work out more because you don't know how much I have been working out and how it really hasn't helped. I cannot do more than what I'm doing. By looking at me, no one knows how I've been working at the gym and what I've been doing has not been working out. 

My food failure has led me to the HMR program and my gym failure had lead me to stop going to the Zoo gym and put together an incredible home gym. A friend of mine joined the gym in hopes of working out with me. We were off to a good start, but as she started doing well losing weight each week and I continued to do poorly, it began to get my down that I was helping her and doing nothing for myself. I'm positive that I have disappointed her by not working out with her over the past few weeks. My internal complete and utter meltdown has lead me to completely changing everything including the gym. The music and noise in the gym without my own earphones and music had been bugging the shit out of me. All the people in the gym were bugging me. We were the old ladies in the gym. I just couldn't do it any longer. I tried to go before work about 4am. This was good, but not. I just couldn't go there any longer. 

With such utter control, I tried not to cry. I've been a food failure and a gym failure. I talked to her about how afraid I am of eating out of the box because I need this program to work for me and I'm so stressed and fearful that it won't work.  If I go out of the box and don't lose weight, that will explain the weight and I will continue to be a failure. I'm extremely afraid that if I stay in the box and don't lose weight that there's some other factor preventing me from losing weight. She told me that I was in the right program and that the classes will help me out.  I think they already have in preparation for this weekend. A wise piece of advice she gave me was to be patient and once I have some weight loss accomplished, I may start feeling better. I told her that I have a picture of how I see myself and it's not how I look now. She suggested finding a picture of me at that size and keep it out. (good suggestion!)

On with my first challenge of the week.....

I had one of my dinners as planned and suggested in class before leaving for the restaurant. We were meeting Bethany's friend and her father at Friday's in Manchester. I kept trying to think positive all the way to the restaurant. At lunch time, I looked at the Friday's menu online. I was not looking forward to having a garden salad. Somehow, I came up with the idea of ordering a salad off the menu and removing the protein that is not on my program. With this plan in mind, I was actually looking forward to the meal. If it wasn't for Bethany's birthday, we would not be eating out. I needed to make the best of this so that I can somehow turn my failures into successes. I ordered the crusted pecan chicken salad with a to-go container on the side. As soon as my meal came, I put the chicken off to the side and put it into the container when the server brought it to the table. I did okay. I feel that I stayed in the box fairly well. It would have been so easy once again if I wasn't going to class on Monday to have anything and start again Sunday (or Monday!). 

Challenge #1 for the weekend went fairly well!! One of the questions asked of me in class the other day, was if I went out of the box on Friday, how would I handle Saturday? The answer at the time was that I planned on staying in the box Friday and use some of the advice they had given me for Saturday.

Before I close there's one more topic. There's only one person that I've discussed my new program with in person and that's Mike. I am not comfortable telling anyone anything about what I'm going through over the past few months. It's actually been a couple of years, but the past few months I have felt this meltdown of epic proportions. I've been having this internal struggle that I don't want to discuss. My feeling of failure has been so overwhelming. Three years ago I did so well and was on the way to looking and feeling the way I would like. The colitis that threw me off track could not be planned for mentally or physically. It put a "PAUSE" in my weight loss at the time, but instead of pushing the PLAY button when I was finally recovering the REVERSE button seemed to be stuck turning me the other way. For something that I feel is such a private internal struggle, here it is for you to read. 

Here's a picture from 1994 with my oldest daughter who was 3 at the time on the top of Loon Mountain. This is how I picture myself. I may even have these exact jean up in my attic somewhere. This is my goal picture! 

Thank-you for reading today. Wish me luck on my journey to recover ME. 

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

First meeting and weigh in

My anxiety by Sunday afternoon was absolutely incredible. My first class at Derry Medical for my new HMR program was Monday morning 10:30-12:00. I had no idea how the hour and a half meeting was going to be run, who was in it, and how much I was going to have to share and/or participate. Seriously, I didn't want to do any of that. I just wanted to sit there and observe. I was extremely anxious about how much weight I'd lost and how much the average weight loss could be on this program. The Internet research I had done indicated I could expect to lose at least 2 to 3 pounds a week by staying on program. That really just didn't seem possible to me. After being on this program for a week and following it very strictly, I was starting to have my doubts. What if this doesn't work for me? What the heck could I possibly do next? I went through numerous bouts of nausea thinking that if this diet program doesn't work, will I be destined to be that overweight middle aged woman? This is not the way I want to look and feel. There's a vision in my head of how I should look and this is not it! The vision is not a skinny one, but one that still has curves. (I'm realistic!) These curves have always been here even at my smallest. Although, they were a bit smaller curves, I do admit!

I'm not quite sure of the exact amount I gained right before starting the program. I was up a few before my last ultimate pig out. I had all my favorite foods including a few whoopie pies! The Friday morning I started the program on my own, the number  on the scale was astronomical! By yesterday, I was beginning to wonder if I did myself a disservice by gaining even more weight. Was my weight loss for the past week only the extra? Only time will tell.

This morning I was anxious in the good and bad way all at the same time. My home scale showed that I was down, but would the clinic scale be as nice? 

The process started by paying for the upcoming week's food. Next, I waited for the nurse to come retrieve me from the waiting room. The meeting was starting soon so I was a bit nervous. I didn't want to miss anything and I didn't want to be awkward walking in late. The same nurse who did my intake came out and greeted me. She asked how my week was and I'm not sure what sort of reply I gave since I was extremely nervous. Off came the coat and shoes and onto the scale I stepped. Woohoo me! I was down 6 pounds! That was the lowest I'd been since the end of summer! PHEW!

She brought me back into the classroom where I saw 4 men sitting at tables. There were no women. I wasn't sure if this was going to be good or bad. After all, men lose weight differently than women and have different struggles. Before long, we were joined by a couple who have both reached their goal weights. Three more women entered the room. Everyone had to fill out a paper form of how many shakes, meals, fruits & vegetables, & exercise calories we had done for the past week. Then, we put the same numbers on a laptop spreadsheet that was shown on an overhead projector. I missed the column way over to the right that I was supposed to put my weight loss amount. OOPS. I'll know next week. 

The instructor/educator/nutritionist/(?) began talking about the previous week's challenge which was to get variety into their shakes. I haven't had a problem with that. I've been enjoying trying new shakes that are in the recipe book. Next, she asked me directly since I'm the new kid on the block if I joined to lose weight for the holidays. Instantly that struck me as funny, because throughout the decision process to join this program, the holidays as well as our upcoming trip in February, and our nephew's wedding in July really are not the reason for this.

I started by saying, "No." Then, I went on to explain my 9 1/2 pound summer weight gain and how I had lost over 40 pounds 3 years ago on my own using Sparkpeople and going to the gym with a trainer. Then the colitis hit me and I stopped losing. After working so hard for over six months and nothing happening, I got discouraged and stopped the gym, then stopped eating properly as well. And.. here I am up 30 of those 40 pounds. I told her that I'm doing this for my health and for me because I don't like the way I look and feel. This prompted a group discussion. I could feel the tops of my ears turn red. I had not wanted to speak and here I was starting a group discussion! 

The next topic was the challenge for this week. We discussed how to get more exercise in to burn off more calories. She showed us the formula for how many calories we need to eat, how many calories we need to burn in order to be a desired weight. Made sense. I've been thinking that I've been doing enough, but as it turns out, I need to step up the cardio to get in more. 

With 15 minutes remaining, the instructor asked if anyone had any challenges for the upcoming week. Seems like I was the only one! Bethany's birthday is on Friday and we have a baptismal on Saturday. It was overwhelming the support and suggestions people gave. They've all been there and had to practice. 

After everyone had left, I asked the instructor if there were any limits to any foods or anything within a week. I also wanted to know what people typically lost. She did state right up front that it depends on the person because each individual is different, but said the typical is about 2-3 pounds a week. In the lobby, one of the other women wished me luck. I asked how she was doing on the program. She's lost 60 pounds since May with 60 more to go. Amazing! 

I now feel more hope than before. I also feel that I'm in the right place. This is something I need to do for me. I cannot continue to look and feel this way.

Thank-you for reading my blog today!